February 11, 2005

Ten a Penny

The front door is locked.
The back? Yes, and bolted.
The last time you stopped by
you seemed so angry that
I wouldn't open it.
No matter.

The bars on the window are
comfortably spaced --
they let in the light
when the sun shines down
on this bright earth.
No matter.

I remember that candy --
round and flat and tooth-aching --
we could buy at the cornershop
ten for a penny.

February 08, 2005

Song of the Day

NIXON'S NATIONAL ANTHEM (tune: Battle Hymn of the Republic)

My name is Richard Nixon, I'd make quite a president,
Extending freedom round the world, it won't cost you a cent.
I'll poke Nikita in the nose and punch Pope John for Lent.
America's heart is sound.

(Chorus) President of all the people. No Jesuits beneath my steeple.
Just happy, happy, happy people. Avoid complacency.

I've seen tears upon the faces of half a million Poles.
I've been expectorated on in sundry foreign holes.
Let's remember Alger Hiss and to hell with Chester Bowles.
America's heart is sound.

February 07, 2005

The REAL lyrics to John Wesley Harding's "When the Beatles Hit America"

For some reason, nobody on the internet has accurate lyrics to this fantastic parody of Jeff Lynne's gruesome reanimation of the Beatles. I'm fixing that.

When the Beatles Hit America
John Wesley Harding

Due to a miracle marketing strategy
Beyond the realms of reasonable possibility
It is announced simultaneously
On radio, compact disc, and TV

That John, Paul, George and Ringo
They're going to be reforming as the Beatles in 1993
And things get into action immediately
George buys the film rights in a flurry of activity
Paul says they're not going to play Japan
Ringo cancels his chat show plans
John, who was never the quiet one,
John stays silent for the time being

And the world says
When the Beatles hit America
When the Beatles hit America
They're going to be sponsored by Visa
When the Beatles hit America
When the Beatles hit America

And lawyers start to draw up large contracts
Involving sponsorship, T-shirt deals, Michael Jackson
They're interviewed on live TV
About management deals and corporate policy
And who's going to be manager of the new Beatles, PLC?
Managers made up of cloned parts of
Colonel Tom Parker, Richard Nixon, Donald Trump
And of course George wants the Maharishi

And finally they get into the studio
And they're going to be co-produced by, guess what?
George Martin and Jeff Lynne
Ringo is disappointed to find
That no one needs him anymore except for the vibe
Because he's been sampled
He is now available as part of the Great Drummer Sample series
For 9.99, available from your local cornershop
Compatible with your cheapest available possible computer
And the irony is it plays in time

Well, the Who, the Stones, Debbie Gibson, and Bros. record a supergroup single
At very great cost, but it's so hard to make the charts
Cause everyone's taken the new Beatles to heart
From the day of the announcement to the game play
To the reunion gig at Shea Stadium
Every record in the Top 40 on both sides of the Atlantic
For three whole years is by Lennon and McCartney
Except "Something," which was George Harrison's only good one

And the world says
When the Beatles hit America
When the Beatles hit America
It's going to be sponsored by Greenpeace as well
When the Beatles hit America
When the Beatles hit America

George gets Monty Python in to do some vocals
And Linda takes a lot of photos
For a book that is sold out before she even thought of putting it out
John, who's now the quiet one, John makes all his press contributions
By quoting from his own songs in tune, in time with the backing track behind him
And when somebody asks him what it's like in the studio
He says, "Well, it's been a hard day's night"
No one understands him, he always was the cryptic one

When the Beatles hit America
When the Beatles hit America

And finally the record hits the shelves
And it's called "The Beatles - From Ourselves"
And for anyone who didn't know
Well, it sounded quite a lot like ELO
Or ELP or FYC or REM or XTC
It sounded a lot like XTC
It didn't sound much like PSI
It didn't sound much like "P.S. I Love You"

And finally the day before the big gig at Shea the word goes around
People saying they're not going to play
The whole thing's been a big insurance scam
To get the re-issues selling again
A very cynical attitude
But I expect the money is making interest in someone's bank account
And then we're over at the stadium
Over to you, Roger
The lights go down, the screaming stops
You can hear a pin drop
And suddenly there they are
And I get scared as they go into "I Saw Her Standing There"
They crash through the best set in the world
Encore with the whole of Sgt. Peppers in order
They're gods and I've in heaven, and then on the very last chord of "A Day in the Life"
The Beatles are being beamed off into outer space
By a waiting spaceship, which takes them to a better place
A place where no one knows them
A place where reunions are not expected of anyone
Not even the Buzzcocks

This is my dream, I bought it
I bought the product
You believe what you like
But it happened folks
Alright, that's why I'm singing that

When the Beatles hit America
When the Beatles hit America

When the Beatles hit America
When the Beatles hit America
Protest lives on, that's what they say

When the Beatles hit America
When the Beatles hit America

Ooh ooh... (Lennonesque) AAH!